Miserable!

Today and yesterday have been rough. I'm sure it's a combination of things like not eating a whole lot for the cleanse portion of the  elimination diet, having my period, and the weather getting cooler.

When I stopped at Phillip's school today to pass him a lab notebook, I just about broke down. I had a difficult time getting out of bed, slept 11 hours, still felt exhausted and hated myself for not getting anything done. I feel like I'll never accomplish the things I want to do because I don't have the energy, especially after work. Phillip suggested some schedule changes and told me I wasn't failing; "you're just feeling things out," he said. Phew. I told him I needed a sugar daddy so I could write all day. He laughed and I felt a little better for work.

As I may have mentioned before, I work at Olive Garden and it's just about the worst place to be during an elimination diet. The only things I can eat at work are water and grapes, and I'm surrounded by buttery and cheesy foods and the smell of garlic. Out of habit, I must admit, I did eat an Andes mint yesterday.

The weather here in Bellingham is just starting to get jacket cold and my body knows it. Today it felt like all of my ligaments were tightening to keep out the cold. Lifting trays and running back and forth for people only added to the stress. To top it off, hunger forced a wicked headache on me. Luckily I got out pretty early and took a couple of extra -strength tylenol and ate an apple. I then proceeded to clean the house and clean out my car. I didn't sleep! Yay!

When Phillip gets home and asks me what I want to do, I say, "eat a crepe." He says no, because that's his job.

Yesterday we tried a smoothie with pears, kale, and almond milk and it was pretty...interesting. Especially compared to what we're used to. One article says we cant eat anything but the smoothies for the first two days, while others suggest snacking as well. We're getting mixed information and basically feel anorexic compared to our usual intake. So, tonight I made a real meal all within the perameters. I re-heated our rice from Thai food the other night in chicken broth on the stove and added some steamed broccoli sauteed onion and organic free-range chicken all seasoned with Jane's Crazy Mixed Up Salt (best stuff ever) garlic and pepper.

Also, apple juice without any additives is my savior. I always have a sweet tooth. After a lunch of kidney beans and water I am pleased to eat. Hopefully the diet will get easier. I usually suck at sticking to things when I don't see immediate results (plus I love food), but at work I watch people who cant wait for delayed gratification all the time. They always waste soup, salad or their entrées because they're too full. We live in a consumerist culture. Our bodies are like credit cards. We just eat and eat hoping to pay it off later, but it just builds and builds and gets harder and harder to pay off. I hate that. So I'm still on the diet and determined to discover any foods that may irritate me.

I keep the hunger at bay with apples and nuts and a supportive man. I'll be able to eat more now that the smoothie phase is over. I've been using a rice heater pad at night to sooth my body into sleep, and I like to take baths and read when my body really hurts. There are fibromyalgia patients who pity themselves, and I refuse to be one of them. I'll keep moving pain and all. I just have to remember not to be too hard on myself.

Sometimes the most debilating thing is feeling overwhelmed: "Why am I in so much pain for no reason? Why are my eyelids so heavy? I just want to stay awake." So I'm even trying this new thing called "breathing." I know my body isn't degenerating. It's just telling me I'm in pain all the time when there's nothing really wrong. I try to remember that.